One day at a time.

It’s hard dealing with a break up and it’s even worse when other people have their own opinions about it. Everyone wants to tell you what they heard, what they think they know, that “they told you so,” or what they saw on social media. The guy who is responsible for this heart break, we dated for about a year. It honestly wasn’t a good relationship, it was toxic, manipulative, and the whole thing could’ve been a lie. I fell in love with a lie and that’s one of the hardest thing to deal with. With all that being said, I now believe love is truly blind. Love will have you see pass the red flags, will put blinders on, and it makes you see the “best” in people. Never before in my life did I want to be married, I didn’t want to be someone’s wife, I never thought I would have a husband or even have kids… then I met him and all that changed. I started to think “this is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.” The guys I’ve dated before him weren’t good either… but they were better than him. But of course, my fucked up mind, saw the worst one for me and thought “yup, this is the one.” What a fucking idiot.

I started this post in December of 2020. I’m sitting at a coffee shop reading through my drafts and decided to get it all off my chest.

I truly don’t know how I so naively fell in love with you. I don’t know how I let you manipulate me. I don’t know how I didn’t see the BIG ASS red flags. I still remember a girl coming up to me when we were out telling me, “You need to get out. Get out now. He is nothing but trouble and will only hurt you.” And I still remember the anger I felt that night towards her because who the fuck was she to come up to me and tell me this. The anger I also felt was because I knew she was right. The reason it’s still hard for me to move on is because I’m so mad. But I’m not mad at you… I’m mad at MYSELF. I know I’m not this fucking stupid. I know that I knew better. Yet here I am, crying over how dumb I was. Crying over how I wasted so much emotion on you. Crying over how I lost so much of myself. Crying over how I don’t know how to trust my own judgement anymore. Crying because what the fuck else is there to do. I’m not mad at you because you showed you were a piece of shit from the beginning and it was my own fault thinking that you’d change for me. Thinking that you’d change for love. What I have taken away from this is 1. that if they wanted to, they would; 2. Actions speak louder than words. Trust what people show you, not what they say; 3. Everything will work out as it should.

The Three L’s

Life… Love… and Lust. We all have it, we all experience them at some point, but why are all of them so hard to deal with? There’s no rule book to any of this, there aren’t any cheat codes, and the older we get (at least for me) the more complicated it seems to get. Most of us try our best and some don’t try at all. Sometimes the people who don’t try seem to have it all. They have the life we want to live, they have the love we wish we could find, and friends/family full of support. Don’t get me wrong… I’m blessed (more than most). I have a roof over my head, I have some family and friends that I’d die for (and I believe would die for me), I have a good career, a nice car, I have a good income, so why do I still feel a void? Will the void still be there when I find the love I’m looking for? There’s a good chance it will be. I can’t expect another person to fill the void. Can you imagine that kind of responsibility? That void isn’t their cross to bear.

Some people go through life and may never find true love. They could have lived a very full life, have all the riches they desire, have as many men or women they want, but do you think they ever felt like something or someone was missing? Someone to have and to hold? Someone to love through sickness and health? Someone to come home to, tell your day to, tell your deepest darkest secrets, and to hold every night when you’re going to sleep?

I look to my left and see people falling in love, getting engaged, or getting married. I look to my right and see people getting pregnant, having a child with the person they love, getting to see the person they love become a parent and discover a whole new tender love in them and fall in love with them all over again. Then I look forward, because there’s no point in looking back, and all I see is heart ache, heart break, break ups, drama, divorce, etc. Then I go down the rabbit hole of “is love true? Is there true love out there or is it all a myth?” With every man I meet, I believe love is a myth. Love songs, love movies, and love novels all hold too high of a standard that is not obtainable. I sound and feel desperate when I think about being in love. I feel like a crack addict needing their fix. I desire so bad for someone to love me to the ends of the earth. For me to be their person and they be mine. I want someone to know every part of me and not look away. I have many scars, not able to be seen by the naked eye, and I want to be seen for me. I am not my scars, but my scars are me.

Another Day

It’s now been 73 days since our breakup. It’s been 73 days since I sat on a plane back to Houston and cried my heart out with strangers around me. It’s been 73 days since it felt like my heart got ripped out of my chest. Our break up was a cowards way out for you. Our relationship was the biggest joke that I fell for. I put so much of myself into you, into the relationship, trying to help heal you, and trying to just be there for you. I can go on and on about how miserable I’ve been the last 73 days, but when you think about it I’ve been miserable since the day we met. For the last 446 days… I’ve been miserable. I take that back… for the last 443 days I’ve been miserable. About 3 days ago, I woke up and my heart didn’t ache. I didn’t long for you in every waking moment, I didn’t have the urge to call you, and I finally realized how I’m so much better off without you. I always knew I’d be better off without you. I still remember the day I met you, I couldn’t get enough of you, but something inside of me knew I should run. I guess I understand why girls are attracted to the “bad boys.” What I don’t understand is why they keep wanting bad boy after bad boy. One was enough for me and I’ve learned my lesson. All I could do was take everything a day at a time. So about 3 days ago is when I started to get my life back and as ironic as it is, it was also the start of a new year. 2021 wont be my year… but it will be a good year. It’s gonna be a great year. A year of finding myself, finding new places, finding new loves, and finding new experiences. And what makes all of these new things great….. ? I won’t have to worry or stress about you. So here’s to the new year and heres to me.